The First Christmas After a Death: Getting Through It, Gently

The short version: there’s no right way to do the first Christmas. You can keep traditions, change them or skip them. Plan a little in advance, decide who you want to be with, and give yourself permission for the day to be hard.

The first Christmas after someone dies can arrive with a weight you don’t expect. Shops, adverts and songs are everywhere, and the empty space is hard to miss. For many people, the weeks before are harder than the day itself.

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s understandable. You may feel sad, numb, angry, relieved that the caring is over, or all of those in one afternoon.

You don’t have to do Christmas the usual way

• Keep it the same, if familiar traditions bring comfort.
• Change it, for example a meal out, a different place, or a walk instead of the usual routine. Doing something different may make the day feel less tied to Christmases before it.
• Step back from it, if that’s what you need this year. A quiet day is allowed.

Whatever you choose this year doesn’t have to be what you do next year.

Talk about it before the day

Family members often grieve differently. One person wants everything as normal; another can’t face it. A short conversation in advance helps: where you’ll be, who’s coming, and what each person needs. It’s okay to say, “I’d like to come for lunch, but I may leave early.”

Keeping them part of the day

Many families find it helps to include the person who has died in a small way:

• Light a candle or set a photo on the table.
• Make their favourite dish, or play their favourite song.
• Share one story each about them.
• Hang a special decoration, or write them a card.
• Visit a place that mattered to them.

Others find this too much in the first year, and that’s okay too.

Remembrance events and quiet places

Many hospices hold remembrance events in December, often called “Light up a Life”, where people can dedicate a light or star to someone who has died. Many welcome everyone, whether or not the person received hospice care, but check the local arrangements because booking and donations vary. If faith or spirituality is part of your life, a service or quiet visit to a place of worship or another meaningful place may bring comfort. Some faith and community organisations also hold gentle remembrance services at Christmas.

The empty chair

Some families leave their place at the table; others move the seating so the gap is less stark. Neither is wrong. Agree it beforehand so nobody is caught out on the day.

Children

Children grieve too, often in short bursts between play. Keep some of their usual Christmas, be honest in simple words, and let them join in remembering if they want to. Child Bereavement UK has helpful guidance for families, and our guide to helping a grandchild through grief may help too.

Looking after yourself

• Plan an exit. Know how you’ll leave if it gets too much, and who you’ll go with.
• Say no to invitations you don’t feel ready for, without guilt.
• Keep some ordinary. A walk, a familiar film or an early night.
• Keep the basics going where you can: regular food, any medication you need, some rest and a little fresh air.
• Expect hard moments at unexpected times, such as a song in a shop, wrapping a present or writing cards.
• Alcohol can make low feelings harder to manage, so it may help to drink less than usual or choose alcohol-free drinks.

Cards and gifts

It’s fine to send fewer cards this year, or none. If you do send them, some people sign just their own name; others add a line such as “Thinking of Dad this Christmas”. When cards arrive addressed to the person who died, it can hurt. You can let people know gently, or simply put those cards aside.

If you’re struggling

Grief can feel overwhelming, especially around Christmas. If you feel unable to cope or are having thoughts of harming yourself, you don’t have to manage this alone.

• Samaritans: 116 123, free, 24 hours a day, every day.
• Cruse Bereavement Support: 0808 808 1677. Opening hours change over Christmas, so check the Cruse website before calling.
• Urgent help that isn’t an emergency: NHS 111 in England, Scotland and Wales; GP out-of-hours services in Northern Ireland.
• If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999 or go to A&E.

You don’t have to navigate it alone.