Christmas With Someone Who Has Dementia: A Calmer Day for Everyone

The short version: aim for a calmer Christmas, not a perfect one. Keep their usual routine where you can, make the day smaller and quieter, and agree a plan with the family before the day, not on it.

Christmas can be lovely with someone who has dementia. It can also be a lot. More people, more noise, a different routine and high expectations can all add up. None of that means you’re doing it wrong. It means the day needs planning a little differently.

Plan the day around them, not around tradition

• Keep their routine where you can. Familiar times for meals, medication and rest can make the day easier.
• Pick the best part of their day. If mornings are good and evenings are hard, have the main moment at lunch.
• Make it shorter. Two hours of family time can be better than a full day.
• Plan a quiet room. Somewhere calm and familiar they can go to, with someone they trust.

Visitors, noise and decorations

• Fewer people at once. Spread visits across the day or across several days.
• Brief visitors before they arrive. Say who they’ll be meeting, what helps (short sentences, one person talking at a time) and what to avoid (“Don’t you remember?”).
• Turn things down. Background TV, music and lots of conversation at once can be overwhelming.
• Change decorations gradually. A room that suddenly looks different can be unsettling. Avoid flashing lights, and keep walkways clear to reduce the risk of falls.

Food and drink

• Smaller portions on a plain plate. A full Christmas plate can be too much to take in.
• Offer familiar favourites. New dishes are fine too, but make sure there’s something they recognise and enjoy.
• Take care with alcohol. It may worsen confusion or unsteadiness and can interact with some medicines. Offer alcohol-free choices, and ask a pharmacist if you’re unsure.
• Offer drinks regularly. With food, allow plenty of time and follow any existing eating or swallowing plan. If they cough, choke or develop a wet, gurgly voice while eating or drinking, ask their GP, NHS 111 or swallowing team for advice. Don’t change food textures, for example by cutting food up or making it softer, without advice.

Keep them included

• Offer them a familiar role if they’d enjoy it, such as folding napkins, choosing music or helping with something simple and safe.
• Use old memories. Familiar carols, old photos and long-standing traditions often connect when new things don’t.
• Go at their pace. Opening presents slowly, one at a time, is fine.

A show or a trip out, if they’d enjoy it

A pantomime, carol concert or Christmas show can be a lovely thing to do together. Some UK theatres and cinemas offer dementia-friendly or relaxed performances. Adjustments vary, but may include lower sound, partly raised lighting and freedom to move around or leave. Check the venue’s arrangements before booking, and only go if they’d enjoy it. A matinee may suit them better if evenings are difficult.

If Christmas doesn’t mean the same to them anymore

As dementia progresses, some people stop recognising that it’s Christmas at all. Someone who once loved it may show little interest, not want to open presents, or seem flat on a day that used to light them up. That can be one of the hardest parts of the season for the family.

• It isn’t a rejection. The change comes from the illness, not from how they feel about you or about Christmas.
• Watch the weeks before. How they react to decorations, cards and visitors in early December is often the best guide to what the day itself should look like.
• Follow their lead. If presents are unsettling, skip them or open one together quietly later. If they don’t know it’s Christmas, there’s no need to keep reminding them.
• Look for the small moments. A familiar carol, a favourite sweet or holding a hand may still connect, even when the bigger occasion doesn’t.
• Make room for your own feelings. It’s natural to grieve for the Christmases you used to share. Talk to someone who understands, whether family, a friend, a carers’ group or an Admiral Nurse.

From Steve, founder: “Mum loved Christmas. She used to host huge Christmas Eve parties for the neighbours on our street. Towards the end, she didn’t know it was Christmas and didn’t want to open her presents. Seeing her flat, when Christmas used to make her light up, was hard. Looking back, the weeks before told us how she was feeling, and that’s when we knew it needed to be calmer.”

If it all gets too much

Signs include restlessness, agitation, wanting to go “home”, or becoming withdrawn. Take them somewhere quiet, keep your voice calm and don’t argue with what they believe. A short walk, a drink or a familiar song can help.

A sudden or marked change from their usual confusion can be delirium, sometimes caused by an infection or another illness. It needs prompt medical assessment. If someone suddenly becomes confused, NHS advice is to call 999 or go to A&E rather than assuming it’s their dementia or the disruption of Christmas.

When the family doesn’t agree

Christmas often brings relatives who see the person less often and may not realise how much has changed. Agree the plan in advance: where, how long, who’s coming and who’s in charge on the day. It helps to share one simple message with everyone, such as “We’re keeping it small and quiet this year, and here’s why.”

Look after the main carer

If you’re the main carer, Christmas can be the hardest week of the year. Let someone else cook, host or sit with your loved one for an hour. It’s okay to step out, have a rest or say no to plans. Planning Christmas around what you can manage is not selfish; it’s what makes the day work.

Thinking of bringing them out of a care home for the day?

Taking someone home for Christmas Day is a lovely idea, and for some people it works well. A little planning with the home can help you decide whether it will be enjoyable and manageable for them. Ask yourselves honestly:

• Could the journey or a busy house unsettle or frighten them?
• Will they want to go back to the home afterwards, and how will you manage it if they don’t?
• Can you manage personal care, toileting or an accident away from the home, with the right help and equipment?
• What medicines, mobility equipment or eating and swallowing support will they need, who will provide it, and who should you contact if plans change?
• Will they actually want to be there, or would they be calmer in a familiar place?
• Who will take them back, and when, if they become distressed early?

If any of those feel uncertain, a visit at the home, a shorter trip somewhere quiet, or Christmas on another day can give you the time together without the risks. Talk it through with the home first. Staff know how they’ve been recently and can help you plan. Our guides to Christmas and special days in a care home and trips and outings from a care home have more.

Help over Christmas

• Dementia UK Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline: 0800 888 6678. Monday to Friday, 9am to 9pm; weekends and bank holidays, 9am to 5pm. Closed on 25 December.
• Samaritans: 116 123, free, 24 hours a day, every day.
• Urgent medical help that isn’t an emergency: NHS 111 in England, Scotland and Wales; GP out-of-hours services in Northern Ireland. Call 999 anywhere in the UK in an emergency.

This article is general guidance based on lived experience and recognised dementia charity advice. Every person is different, so follow any advice from their own GP, care team or care home.

You don’t have to navigate it alone.